How to Turn the Glass Half Full

This week has felt like a week of failures that were meant to be successes. I am usually a "glass half full" type of person, but for some reason, this past week, I have been looking at certain things in the whole opposite way; a way I'm not used to doing.

Having taken up running a few months ago, and become determined to run a half marathon in January, I have been working harder at this than anything in a long time. And believe me, the decision to do something like this is driven from somewhere deep within my drive and desire to complete a challenge, because running causes me physical pain. Pain that disappears eventually, but pain well beyond the everyday aches and pains a regular athlete feels.

I started an 18 week training schedule for a half marathon. I have about a month and a half longer than those 18 weeks, but I decided that I needed a good enough base, that if I could get to the longer run weeks, and either build a few more miles in there, or hover there, then I'd be in good shape. Tuesday and Thursday runs were really good. Up until those two days, I'd been building up with 9 minutes running and 1 walking. On both of those days, I did no walking at all. I was feeling very good. On Sunday, I was supposed to go 4 miles. What a colossal failure that was. OK, so not that much of one, but it felt particularly bad after the prior two good days. I'm well aware that with all hard work comes failure, but about halfway through the run yesterday, I was adamant that a half marathon wasn't in my future. OK, so sweatin' it out two miles from home isn't exactly the best place to be making decisions like that, but I was hurtin'-in so many ways. Needless to say, tomorrow I will take to the road for week two, and an attempt at a fresh outlook-I was not a failure, I just failed that day.

One of my very closest friends at work, my mentor, my second mother left our school this year. It was heartbreaking to me. I'm still not sure how I'm going to react that first week in August without her beside me-guiding me, teaching me, being my friend. Since she left, the building has made the assumption that I will take over her lead teacher position. I have adamantly stated that I am not only not ready for the position, but do not want to deal with the bureaucratic red tape that comes with that piece of administration. I want to teach children, not complete paperwork and manage people at this point in the game. As people tend to do, they have pressed on; they seem to know better what I can do than I do, and believe that I can run our 40 person team despite my pleas.

The last thing I said when I left school on June 18 was that I was not taking the position, put all materials that came over the summer in a box, and we'd sort it out when we returned. As I stumbled, literally, into school today to drop some papers off and fax something, I come to find out that all papers are being delivered to me. That the school wide belief is that I am taking over the special education department, and will lead it. As I stared at all of these papers, I hadn't a clue what to do with them; Marg has run this department for the past 18 years. I have only been a teacher for 6. I don't have nearly enough knowledge to lead people. I realize just how wonderful this will look on a resume, and I understand that it is a credit to me that my colleagues and my principal believe I can do it, but I just don't feel I can be successful and/or make the department successful. I feel it is going to go to hell in a hand basket; and it will all be on me. That is a horrible feeling.

So, I was working out tonight and thinking about refilling my cup. As I write these words, I realize that both of these are negatives easily turned into positives, they just need their own spin. Change is difficult, but change is good. I just need to find my niche when it comes to these big time changes.