I can't...but I have to

I always tell kids that they can't say "I can't." They can do it, it just might be harder to complete. I truly believe in that concept and try to live by it. This week, thought, I have found myself saying, and thinking, those words more often than I should.

My mentor, friend, and our special ed team leader left last year. It seems as if the workload has fallen on me. We have several new teachers, and one teacher on her way out the door to retirement, and I'm somewhere in the middle. At my seventh year, I've been here just long enough to sort of know what I am doing as a leader, but still not completely feel comfortable in that skin, which is where I am right now. Plus, as a close friend with my former mentor, I helped, joined in, and had somewhat of an understanding of what happened as "team leader." I just don't know if I can do it.

I love what I do. Probably more than most. I love that I get to see kids each day. I love that I can change lives. And I love that I can advocate for children in a way that a general ed teacher cannot. But, these last few weeks, the things that people have been asking me to do are far from any of that; and the words that keep coming up in my head are "I can't." I am handed paperwork, and documentation, and asked to run meetings that I don't yet know how to do. I have always wanted to be an administrator, because my belief is that you can't complain about how things are run if you don't have any desire to change it yourself. But, as people start throwing things at me, things that I stare at and am fearful that I'm going to botch up, I have dissolved into tears more than once while sitting on the blacktop of our school. Maybe I'm not cut out to lead. Or maybe this is how you learn.

I realize that this task is up to me, and despite my perfectionist attitude, I'm trying to understand that I'm going to make mistakes as I figure it out. As I walked out of our school last night at 8pm (a 13 hour workday), I had added to my to do list by 12 items; but I'd also crossed off 8. I have always been a list maker, but never a prioritizer. I'm not sure where this school year is going to take me, but I have a feeling after it, I am going to know where I'm headed next year and beyond. But, one thing is for sure, I'm going to try to stop saying "I can't."